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Living Quarters, Naeso-sa Temple

And people wonder why I still miss Korea...

Slight Adjustments

I've made the move to the newest version of Movable Type, and the upgrade is not without its share of headache. I've been using MT for over five years, so this is nothing unusual. I've spent over a week trying to determine why this site wont rebuild properly, but I've yet to solve the issue. If you see some problems, definitely let me know.

I switched to a feedburner feed some time ago, so those of you reading from the feeds should not have to update your feed URL. You may, however, get a couple repeat posts and such, as I've wiped out and reinstalled the site nearly twenty times in the last 6 days. At very least, I can be happy that my line breaks should now appear in the feed.

Finally, the style of Leftsider will change slightly. I'll be using excerpts in the feeds, and extended entries may become more common on the front page. I'll also be writing more intimately and introspectively here than I have most recently; all my other writing will go to a few other blogs, which I'll be naming shortly.

My Manifesto to Living in Asia

I’m a member of a semi-closed social network called Asoboo. It’s mainly comprised of expats, creative professionals and foriegner-friendly citizens of Japan, with a few Japan-lovers around the world thrown in for sport.

Recently, a guy new to Japan wrote a minor rant on Asoboo which he entitled “My Manifesto.” The basic concept of his piece was that he was having trouble building relationships and dealing with stereotypes (he is a black male). It pricked a soft spot in me, having dealt with many of the same issues during my stay in Korea. So I wrote the following response, which probably could be considered my own reflective statement on living in Asia.

Allow me to share some advice from one black man to another. Asia is going to be a lot of fun, but it’s going to be like putting an ice cube in hot oil:

Point 1- you’re coming is the merging of two different states (geographically, mentally, etc) and you are the odd one for now. Asian culture is built upon roles and positions, so if you’re new you get—yes by default and it’s bad—thrown in with everyone else. As you live and grow accustomed to the experience, though, you’ll assimilate more and with greater success, just as the ice cube melts from the heat of the oil.

(But why did I use oil?)

Point 2 - You will never be Japanese, you will never be normal. You can become familiar in your neighborhood and circles. But even if you live there for ten years, learn perfect japanese and master the culture when you step outside your regular locations people will act as if you just got off the plane, speak impolitely about you in Japanese (thinking you wouldn’t know), and assume you know nothing. Unless you become a star on tv everyday, there’s nothing you can change about that.

Women will come. Bro, women will come—and it’ll be a problem because you’ll find girls who want to hang much faster than you’ll find boys to kick it with, and that may cause tension with the few who do. nycboy is right that there are women who love black men. But that’s who you are to them: black men. Not a black male, with an individual personality and ideas. Finding the female that recognizes that will be much harder, though not impossible. My finding is that a female like that more than often comes, surprisingly enough, from the group of people who’d normally avoid you because of stereotypes, but because she has a keen perception and a pure spirit she, over time, comes to appreciate you for who you are. More often than not, this relationship will be painful as no one else around you will have the same perception. Her family may war against you causing hell; they may win, causing heartbreak.

But this is Asia. This is what we signed up for when we came. And, more importantly, our every action, every won battle, every conquered stereotype shows who black men really are. It makes it easy for the next brother coming over; he won’t have to deal with that foolishness. You are a pioneer in that regard, a beacon of light for your people.

And, should you accept that role as I think you already have, you’ll find that when you return home you’ll never find another way to be more of an impression on the world. You’ll miss the days when the girl’s eyes light up as she realizes you are more than an MTV projection. You’ll long for the days, when your boy, drunk as hell, puts his arm around you and wordlessly conveys how you are brothers despite the color, despite the language, despite the imperfection of the world.

Hang in there. You’ll achieve what it is you’re there for. Check out some tips we wrote here for living abroad. And feel free to ask any question you might have from those of us who share(d) your experience.

House and Home

I didn't write down my wedding vows. I knew that I could write something really eloquent, but I felt that polished words often outshine their true meaning. As I wanted to speak from the heart, I decided beforehand what things I wanted to say... and I simply said them as they came. It worked out well, happy ending.

Today, a little over three years later, I don't remember anything I said. Once, in a rough season, my wife left her vows on the desk where I study. At the time I felt that was a very passive-aggressive way of invoking a contractual obligation, yet I was remiss in not having a list of my own; a ninety-five theses of marital guidance that I could nail to her closet or something. My words would be forever lost in the warm October afternoon where our lives were joined.

I do remember one concept, however. It was a simple one (which may explain why it has stuck with me): If she gave me 110% and I gave her 110%, no matter what befell us, we'd have love to spare. Simple? Yes. Romantic? Undeniably. Mathematically possible? Let's not push it; the concept was enough.

And I intend to stick by it. A while back I noticed that my general unkempt-ness and deferring was placing an unnecessary burden on my wife, a patron saint of neatness (though I am the Archduke of organization). I tried to pitch in with household duties but my tolerance level of these menial tasks was so high that I literally missed the opportunities to act; her unswerving adherence to cleanliness swooped in and handled the tasks long before my alarm started ringing.

But that was me giving a fair try; I was in it for the 110%. So starting around June or July I forced her to turn over all household duties to me. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, garbage--you name it, it was my responsibility. I explained to her the purpose of this initiative:

• To give me a glimpse of all the work she does
• To cultivate in me a lower threshold for messiness
• To give her time to pursue goals and ambitions

I patted myself on the back for coming up with such a novel idea. Surely any wife would shed a tear of joy for such a selfless, earnest gesture. In reality this process drove my sweetie up a wall; it took a while for my efforts to kick in, and the act of leaving things was painful as it went against the grain of her very being. Additionally, her eschewing of all things confrontational meant that any helpful nudges to prod me into action were basically given about 45 seconds before bludgeoning me to death with the cleaning instrument unused would start becoming a reasonable alternative.

But I stuck it out. That's what 110% means, right?

Today, after about 4 months, I'm ending the initiative. On a whole I think it was a failure, perhaps even my own little great leap forward. Even in saying that, though, I know that I've become more aware of household duties and more keen to the energies my wife puts toward the appearance of our home. This morning, after she slipped out of bed, I could hear her moving the clean dishes from the dishwasher; to not do these tasks, I discovered make her feel less a part of her home. I would not have made the duty=ownership association had I not seen her inability to let go.

Well, that was that. I anticipate that the general cleanliness of our house will go up again in a short while. My sister also moved in with us during that period, so we have extra hands to get the work done. Hopefully we three can still maintain a goal of 110% each to the excessive benefit of our house and home.