Leftsider Exploring Lowest Common Values.

Boy Becomes Man

There's only so many times that you can look in a mirror before you realize the face you've been seeing is not the face that's being reflected.

The difference between being young and being old is whether you're looking forward or looking back.

— leftsider (@Leftsider) January 9, 2012

When I was young, I refused to believe anything was impossible; it merely needed to be understood. I have a track record of taking on things that are bigger than me (the detractor could argue this as a fancy way of saying "overreaching my capabilities"). All I ever wanted in life was for someone to show me the way.

But now I'm a man. I've a wife, a vocation; a receding hairline... I'm not the kid I used to be no matter how hard I try.

personal realization: though I may reject status and "professionality," I'm not a youth or dread anymore. I need to dress like a grown man.

— leftsider (@Leftsider) January 24, 2012

So I've been thinking about what it means to be a man. If I'm honest, it seems a lot of what it means to be a man is to be not a boy. Not inquisitive, not defiant, not hopelessly hopeful. But that's how, deep inside, I really feel. I still think nothing is impossible--only not yet understood. I still am waiting for someone to teach me, though I realize now that It's more likely that I'll be taught through my own errors than any benevolent mentor. Hardly efficient, but I guess men aren't spoon-fed, either.

Tweaking the TImeline

Twitter has fundamentally changed the way I live. When I started using it five years ago, my first interest was finding the location of the coworkers I played ping pong with when I felt like playing a game (Fun fact: Every one of those people stopped using the service within a week, with only @smellvin returning).

I met other people and used it sorta like a chat room. I applied for a chance to write for eHub, which was not paid but opened the way for some real work. Somehow I managed to use Twitter to get paid! Amazing!

Fast forward three years and now I'm actually getting paid by Twitter. All the years of heavy usage and advocacy paid off, it seems. But if I'm completely honest, I'll have to admit that I've struggled with its growth and have tried numerous times--all unsuccessfully--to use it in a way that works for me perfectly. I've never been able to do that.

Today I got rid of the lists I'd previously created, and now I'm looking for a new solution. How can I hear new and interesting things while filtering out unnecessary noise? How can I participate in select conversations while effectively ignoring others. Can I still serve my OCD-like tendency to read every tweet when I've doubled the people I follow, or will I have to learn some new way to find what's of interest to me?

I'll have to report back with any solutions I find.

By the Grace of God

I'm the kind of guy who spends a lot of time thinking about things... too much, usually. One thing I feel I always should ponder is who I should thank.

It's more complicated than it seems. For example, if I had not become friends with a certain kid named Jason my freshman year of high school, I'd have never met my wife, would never have gotten the job that allowed me to go to Korea, nor would I have been in a position to take advantage of the opportunity to work at Twitter (have I written about that?).

Jason did nothing but befriend me, but he is one of the most influential people in my life. I did nothing to deserve much of what I've enjoyed in my life. I feel I've been a pretty mediocre performer in much of what I do, and I dont hide this fact. There's a term I love, "unmerited favor," that I think is a big part of my life. This term is also a definition for "grace."

At the beginning of the Pledge and Law I learned so many years ago, there lies a condition to all that a Pathfinder is and that one might become: by the grace of God. Considering that most of my childhood friends have criminal records, most of my high school friends are divorced, and most of my family hasn't seen the other side of this country--let alone the other side of the world, I consider myself privileged far beyond what I deserve, and favored in ways I can't explain.

The happiness I enjoy is not the culmination of my efforts, but the gracious gift One was kind enough to bestow. It's good to remind myself of that, and to start my intentions from a point of thankfulness.